Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you can't explain how you're feeling, and the feelings you can explain are stupid and you don't understand why you feel them? If you understood any of what I just said, you're pretty good. Sometimes I get in these really weird moods, and I can't quite explain why they come. There are times in my life where I feel like I need approval, approval from whom you might ask. That's the lame part, because I can't really tell you. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in high school and I just want the "cool" kids to like me, and it still affects me today. High school has been over for eight years now, don't you think I could move on? Sometimes I meet someone who other people view as cool and I get nervous, and unsure of myself and I almost become obsessed with them, wondering if they would like me. It kind of becomes insanely important to me and I'll sit there and think (sorry for the language) what the hell? Why do I care?? I am so sick of seeking the approval of someone not really there, it doesn't matter what everyone thinks of me, so why, why can't I move on? I am so tired of living in this Hell of caring so much about what others think of me. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good thing to be conscientious of yourself, but this is ridiculous. It makes me so mad, and sad, and frustrated, but I just don't know how to move on. I feel like I'm going insane, that there's something wrong with me. Why can't I feel happy with just having my own approval? Why can't I say to hell with everyone else, this is who I am, if you don't like it, leave me alone!! Is there anyone else who has ever felt this way? If there is, please let me know how it is you got past it, or how you deal with it, whatever is applicable. I'm sorry this is kind of a downer blog, I just really need to express my feelings, I really needed to talk to a friend, and seeing as I don't really have one to talk to right now I decided to write my feelings down instead. Maybe that will help me for a while, well, let's face it, even if I do get to talk to someone later it won't help. I have a very small window of opportunity to talk to someone before I push my feelings down deep and don't share them with people. Apparently it's really hard for me to fully open up to people, not really sure why, maybe I fear rejection too much. I really don't know. It's one of those mysteries in life that sometimes we solve and others times they remain a steady unknown.
There's one other thing going on with me right now that affects me every once in a while. Anyone who really knows me knows that I love to sing, I have always dreamed of singing in front of people. There are certain songs that I hear that just give me a magical feeling, that really touches me. It's at those times that I have a strong, fierce burning desire to be able to sing in a way that will make someone else feel that way. Then reality hits and I realize I don't have what it takes, I sing mediocre, I'm not terrible, but I definitely don't measure up to a lot of other people. So I get down, feeling like I could never be good enough, then I feel like I'm too old, I've missed my opportunity. I have kids, responsibilities that say it's over. Do I just give up that dream? Do I need to be content just singing to myself and kids? How do I do that? How do you let go of a dream that you've had since you can remember? I'm sure I'll be fine in a few hours, or tomorrow, I just really needed to get this out. Thanks so much for reading, I wish I had something cheerful to throw in here. I guess I could say we went to UP today, and it was a way cute movie, I loved it!! Hopefully that can lift your spirits UP! He He, ok, that was lame, anyway, thanks again for reading, any ideas or suggestions would be awesome!
Randy and Jessica
Randy and I have been together 8 years and we have a lot of fun! Marriage really does get better with time.
Hailey
This is our oldest daughter, she is almost eight. She is definitely our social butterfly, she will say hi to everyone and instantly start introducing herself to them. She is becoming very independent which can be a little frustrating at times but cute at the same time. She is a good big sister.
Katie
Katie is coming up on six, and is such a cute kid. She is very animated and sometimes it's all I can do to not laugh when she's telling me a story. She is a good helper when she wants to be and loves her family!
Zoe
Zoe is just about four and wow what a firecracker! She can be a little mischievous at times and likes to pester her siblings. She's our little princess and sometimes she changes outfits three or more times a day. She is very loving and still likes to cuddle.
JD
Here is our sweet little boy! He is approaching 18 months and is such a cute little boy! He loves to play and walk, it took him a long time to start, but now he never stops. We sure love having this little prince in our home
Josh & Kenna's "little"
About Me
- Jess
- I am the mother of three little girls and one little man. Hailey (7) Katie (5) Zoe (3) and JD (1). I love them very much, they add so much to my life. I am married to the most wonderful man on Earth, at least I think so. Randy is seriously the best things that's ever happened to me, I'm so grateful for the support that he is to me. A little about me, I love to laugh, I love to sing, I love to spend time with family, my own, extended, in-laws. I love big family get togethers and I love big families, hence the reason I want 5 or 6 kids. I know, people think I'm nuts, but I can't wait!! I love to read, especially LDS romance, I'm kind of a sap. But I think my favorite thing in the world is to cuddle with my honna!! I also like it when he makes me laugh by being completely silly!!
2 comments:
Jessica, my friend. I know we haven't seen or even spoken to each other in forever it seems (probably high school even) but I want you to know that I know how you're feeling. I've been there, still am there. It's hard. I'm so overly critical of myself and over analyze EVERYTHING, so much that it drives me nuts. I also know how it feels with your singing. I love photography, loved it for as long as I can remember. In the past nine years I've taken a lot of pictures, a lot of engagement pictures and wedding pictures but again I was too critical and it got to me so much that I refuse to take pictures for anyone anymore. I know how stupid it is but I feel like they're so many more talented photographers out there that I'm too scared to do anything about it. I love taking candid pictures though and scenery. I feel like it's enough to satisfy myself but don't feel obligated to please anyone else. With your singing, you should start small. Maybe you or you and someone else can do a song for Relief Society and go from there. I can only imagine how hard that would be, but if it's a dream that you have. Go for it. Try it out. Even if it doesn't go anywhere, that's okay. I've had so many experiences in my life where someone would just say something or do something or even sing a beautiful song it would touch my heart. I have to say, those people were not always eloquent or sang beautifully but it didn't matter because it touched my heart in a way I never thought possible. You can do whatever you dream. If you ever need to talk or if you'd like to vent, I am here. You can email me if you'd like to, my address is selmer82@gmail.com. Like I said, I know how you feel and I want you to know that. You're not alone.
Oh Jessica, my friend of oh so many years, I knew there was a reason we became friends in the first place.
I'll begin with your singing first: You are better than you say you are, and no matter what level you are actually at, if you sing with the full power of what you feel, the audience will feel it too. And you are NOT past your prime (How old is Fergie? How old is Madonna? How old is that Mormon singer whose name I forget but I know you know her and she was in my ward in Colorado?). As they say, everyone needs a hobby, and this could be yours. That hobby you perpetually work on and hone over the years and perform when you can. It's only as make-or-break as you choose it to be. Especially with singing, that door of opportunity will stay open for decades to come.
Now on to the feeling of needing others' approval: you're not the only one, and I don't think anybody ever really grows out of it. Just the other day I was lamenting over a "they don't think I'm cool enough to be in their club" dilemma, and the advice I can give you is to let time give you some perspective. Now that the initial sting of it has dulled over a few days, I realize that these "cool" people just don't know any better. They don't have that the-more-the-merrier attitude I often associate with a certain level of Christlike love, and I just have to be okay with that. I can't change them or their minds, I can only be who I am, and hopefully demonstrate to them in my own actions what I wish they would demonstrate to me. Someday they'll get it. In the meantime, with each sting of a non-invite to some variety of crazy fun I know they're having, I just have to say not yet, and get some grand perspective (does it really matter? Does their attitude effect what's truly important to me?). You're incredibly strong, Jess. You'll make it through. :)
Love, Holly
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