Not much sense

Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you can't explain how you're feeling, and the feelings you can explain are stupid and you don't understand why you feel them? If you understood any of what I just said, you're pretty good. Sometimes I get in these really weird moods, and I can't quite explain why they come. There are times in my life where I feel like I need approval, approval from whom you might ask. That's the lame part, because I can't really tell you. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in high school and I just want the "cool" kids to like me, and it still affects me today. High school has been over for eight years now, don't you think I could move on? Sometimes I meet someone who other people view as cool and I get nervous, and unsure of myself and I almost become obsessed with them, wondering if they would like me. It kind of becomes insanely important to me and I'll sit there and think (sorry for the language) what the hell? Why do I care?? I am so sick of seeking the approval of someone not really there, it doesn't matter what everyone thinks of me, so why, why can't I move on? I am so tired of living in this Hell of caring so much about what others think of me. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good thing to be conscientious of yourself, but this is ridiculous. It makes me so mad, and sad, and frustrated, but I just don't know how to move on. I feel like I'm going insane, that there's something wrong with me. Why can't I feel happy with just having my own approval? Why can't I say to hell with everyone else, this is who I am, if you don't like it, leave me alone!! Is there anyone else who has ever felt this way? If there is, please let me know how it is you got past it, or how you deal with it, whatever is applicable. I'm sorry this is kind of a downer blog, I just really need to express my feelings, I really needed to talk to a friend, and seeing as I don't really have one to talk to right now I decided to write my feelings down instead. Maybe that will help me for a while, well, let's face it, even if I do get to talk to someone later it won't help. I have a very small window of opportunity to talk to someone before I push my feelings down deep and don't share them with people. Apparently it's really hard for me to fully open up to people, not really sure why, maybe I fear rejection too much. I really don't know. It's one of those mysteries in life that sometimes we solve and others times they remain a steady unknown.
There's one other thing going on with me right now that affects me every once in a while. Anyone who really knows me knows that I love to sing, I have always dreamed of singing in front of people. There are certain songs that I hear that just give me a magical feeling, that really touches me. It's at those times that I have a strong, fierce burning desire to be able to sing in a way that will make someone else feel that way. Then reality hits and I realize I don't have what it takes, I sing mediocre, I'm not terrible, but I definitely don't measure up to a lot of other people. So I get down, feeling like I could never be good enough, then I feel like I'm too old, I've missed my opportunity. I have kids, responsibilities that say it's over. Do I just give up that dream? Do I need to be content just singing to myself and kids? How do I do that? How do you let go of a dream that you've had since you can remember? I'm sure I'll be fine in a few hours, or tomorrow, I just really needed to get this out. Thanks so much for reading, I wish I had something cheerful to throw in here. I guess I could say we went to UP today, and it was a way cute movie, I loved it!! Hopefully that can lift your spirits UP! He He, ok, that was lame, anyway, thanks again for reading, any ideas or suggestions would be awesome!

Crazy Couple of Days

So Tuesday night Katie woke up with a fever and all day Wednesday she had one and a headache as well. Then before going to bed Wednesday night her fever finally broke. Then at midnight she woke up screaming. We're kind of used to this with Katie, every once in a while she'll wake up screaming, we have to go in and calm her down and either she'll lay down with us for a while or she'll go back to sleep in her own bed. Well Wednesday night was different, she kept screaming, even while we were holding her that there were spiders. She was really hot and her fever was around 102 degrees. She would scream and say they were on her legs, or hands or that they were on us. We called our home teacher at around 12:30 am and asked him to come help give her a blessing, we didn't know what else to do. We finally were able to calm her down, but she had to lay down on top of me and any time I moved my hands I had to calm her down and let her know it was just me. Finally we went back up to our bed about 2:00 in the morning and we were able to finally fall back to sleep. Later in the night Randy put her back in her bed, and she woke up screaming again. She then spent the rest of the night in our bed. So we took her to the doctor on Thursday and he said it looked like she had the beginning of an ear infection. We asked him about the previous night if he thought perhaps she was hallucinating, he said it could have been induced by the fever. Thankfully last night she slept well, except she woke up to throw up. What a crazy couple of nights. Hopefully we're on our way to full recovery, she had an ear infection at the beginning of this month too. I sure hope we're done for a while after this one. Other than that not much is going on with us, I'm still looking for a job, hopefully I'll be able to find one soon, also, we are trying to find a good home for our pet guinea pig Rosie. I am allergic to hay and at times when I hold her it makes my arms and neck red and itchy. So, it's very hard to want to hold her or give her any hay which is really good for them. So if anyone wants a pet guinea pig, she is a very pretty animal (at least I think so). She's very fun to hold, and will for the most part just sit there. Now that I've put that little plug in there, I suppose I'm done with this post. Thanks for reading!!

Hailey's Preschool Graduation

So on Thursday Hailey had her Preschool graduation, she did so good, for the most part. On some of the songs, she got distracted by a scab on her nose and stood there picking at it rather than singing. She is such a cute girl, I can't believe that she is going to go to Kindergarten next year, it's just crazy to think of my little girl growing up.

Just chillin waiting for the program to start.

Before we left, I love her little pose, the only downfall to this picture is that her skirt is pulled up a little in the front.

Again, just waiting.

This is the school loves me song, we recorded all the songs that they sang, but this one is my favorite one. Hailey loves to sing, I love to listen to her, I love my little Hailey!!

Life...

I know, I know, it's been awhile again since I've written anything. It's kind of sad, oh well, at least I am now. Things here are ok, it's tight, but hopefully things at RC Willey will pick up soon. I'm starting to look for a part time job, I'm excited but nervous. I think it will be a lot of fun to get out and be around people in a professional setting. I'm looking for morning part time because Randy is home in the mornings so we hopefully wouldn't need a babysitter. I think if I could work for about a year it would really help us get out of debt. What an awesome feeling that would be!! Well, not much else is going on, just life. The kids continue to change sooo much!! Zoe is starting to say more words, so far these are some of the words she is saying: Mom, Dad, Hailey, Katie, Zoe, eye, I, love, you, bye, hi, amen, oh boy, oh man, I think that's about all. But she also gibbers, so if you ask her a question she starts gibbering like she's answering you. It's very cute!! Katie has been a little more difficult to deal with lately. Since Tuesday she has had at the very least two accidents a day and on Saturday I finally put her in pull ups because I can't handle any more pee on the carpets. I don't know if it's just a little phase she's going through, or if it's the start of another infection. I haven't been giving her her antibiotics because I haven't called to get her prescription refilled. She hasn't had a fever, or any other symptoms, so I guess we'll see. She has also learned how to push Zoe's buttons, and boy does she ever push them!! There are times where I wish I could put Katie in a cage, but then she can also be the cutest little thing ever!! Her facial expressions crack me up, sometimes she's not really saying anything funny, but it's just the way she says it and the facial expressions she makes. It cracks me up! I love all my kids so much, I just wish I didn't get so impatient with them. It's definitely something that I need to work on, it's just not always easy. I need to work on myself quite a bit, but hopefully I'm not alone. Well, now that I've dragged on and on, I'll finish this post, so until next time....bye!

Randomness

So again it's been quite a while since I've written. Mother's Day was a lot of fun, I got to sleep in and I got breakfast in bed. We were way tired, and woke up late so we missed church, except I went to Relief Society so I could do my calling. That evening we went to my parents house and had hamburgers and other good food and just hung out and visited. It was a lot of fun. I have some pictures that I will post at a later time. I gave my mom a little book that I made, it was so awesome to actually make her something that had a lot of meaning behind it. I love my mom so much!

Lately I have been feeling like I' m in a rut. I don't really know how to motivate myself to do better, but I need to find a way. I don't really feel like I'm working toward something, I feel as if I am simply living through everyday. I want to feel like I have a purpose to my life. Things are going well, it's a little tight because there's not a lot going on at RC Willey. Hopefully Memorial Day will be a big day like it was last year, or even better than last year would be nice. Randy did kind of pick up a second job though, our land lord is going to pay him to do some of the yard work that needs to be done around here (and it's a lot) so that will help out. We really are doing all right though, and I finally feel like I'm getting back on track with my house work. I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting there. Well, I'm doing good, I need to kick myself in the butt and do better though. I want everyone to know I appreciate all they do for our family and for me. I don't know that I tell people thank you enough, but I want to start now. So, if you know me, know that you are loved and appreciated for all you do!! Oh, before I go I need to share something that Katie said. We were driving Hailey to school the other day and Hailey was talking about Gina's bird Zeus, you see he died and my sister buried him at my parents house in their back yard. On Sunday they went out with her (Gina) and put something on his grave and Hailey was talking about that in the car. Then Katie said, "Jesus needed a bird, huh Hailey" it was so cute! That was what we told them when Zeus died, was that Jesus needed Zeus in Heaven but that He would take good care of him. It was so cute to hear Katie say that though. I love my little girls! Well, until next time!

Free giveaway

So I saw this on a friends blog and decided to do it, it's always fun to try to win stuff, plus this iron looks cool. A hair blog is giving away a Corioliss 1" Black Flat Iron - Classic Pro! It's worth $200, all you need to to is go to THIS SITE and enter. You get a lot of entries for doing specific things but I think it will be worth it! Go and enter now!
http://hairandshare.blogspot.com/

Questions

I saw this on a friends blog and decided it would be fun to ask my girls these questions. Hailey's answers will be first, then Katie's.

Hailey

1. What is something mom always says to you? You say different things that you want me to do
2. What makes mom happy? me cleaning my room
3. What makes mom sad? she said a lot of different things, but in funny ways. Her first answer I believe was supposed to be when I don't do the things you ask me to do.
4. How does your mom make you laugh? You do silly things
5. What did your mom like to do when she was a child? You liked to do silly stuff that you liked when you were a kid. This was said with a question mark at the end.
6. How old is your mom? I don't know - her guess...10
7. How tall is your mom? 20?
8. What is her favorite thing to watch on TV? space
9. What does your mom do when you're not around? cry
10. What is your mom really good at? Mario (Mario Kart)
11. What is your mom not very good at? watching us when we play on our bikes
12. What does your mom do for her job? Stuff that you need to do
13. What is your mom's favorite food? macaroni and cheese and beans (chili mac)
14. What makes you proud of your mom? doing stuff that I ask you
15. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? Not our mom
16. What do you and your mom do together? I follow you and sometimes you follow me
17. How are you and your mom the same? we do the same thing
18. How are you and your mom different? that you're a mom and I'm a kid
19. How do you know your mom loves you? tell me that you love me
20. What does your mom like most about your dad? that he does what you ask him
21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? to your moms house
22. What is one thing you wish you could change about your mom? a guinea pig
23. What would your mom do with a million dollars? place it in a bag
24. What do you wish you could go and do with your mom? go to your moms house
25. What is one thing you hope never changes about your mom? guinea pig! Doing stuff that you like to do

Katie

1. What is something mom always says to you? you really love me so much
2. What makes mom happy? that I'm your coach
3. What makes mom sad? when I don't have something
4. How does your mom make you laugh? you play with me a lot and you laugh with me
5. What did your mom like to do when she was a child? you liked to play with me
6. How old is your mom? 5
7. How tall is your mom? big
8. What is her favorite thing to watch on TV? a scary movie you laugh at scary movies
9. What does your mom do when you're not around? you be sad
10. What is your mom really good at? you get allergic from cats,
11. What is your mom not very good at? when I'm not brushing your teeth. That's very sad that you don't brush your teeth mom. (where do they come up with this stuff?)
12. What does your mom do for her job? you cook something when you do something
13. What is your mom's favorite food? the food that you don't eat, but you eat food
14. What makes you proud of your mom? I play with toys with you
15. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? just you
16. What do you and your mom do together? we have hug each other
17. How are you and your mom the same? we do something when we like something
18. How are you and your mom different? we eat cookies when we do it ( I'm not sure that I would be able to make her understand this question. She was also eating a cookie when I asked her this question)
19. How do you know your mom loves you? we hug each other
20. What does your mom like most about your dad? you hug him
21. Where is your mom's favorite place to go? watch him (Randy) at work
22. What is one thing you wish you could change about your mom? I turn into a snow man I would change you into a snow man. Ha Ha, funny way to understand that question.
23. What would your mom do with a million dollars? when you don't have money, you put it in some toys
24. What do you wish you could go and do with your mom? play upstairs with you
25. What is one thing you hope never changes about your mom? that you don't change into something.

I love my girls so much!! I will never understand where they come up with all the stuff they come up with. This was a lot of fun to ask them these questions, a little hard to get them to stay in one place to ask them, but fun!!

Wednesday news

I don't know why it takes me so long in between posts, I used to do write one at least once a week. I think it's a time management thing! Anyway, life here has been a little crazy, our vans transmission went out on us, so that's at the very least 450 dollars to fix, and at the most... well, I don't really know, but I've been told around 1500. Isn't life wonderful? Actually it is, I know we're blessed, but it's a little expensive at times. I guess that's a better way to put it. So, I've decided I don't like dieting, I don't know that I'll be able to do it again. What I really want to do is exercise and eat healthy, that way it's more of a lifestyle change that will allow me to not do the yo-yo effect. So hopefully I'll be able to get my butt in gear and start exercising. Things are going well here, money has been a little tight, but we're managing. The girls are growing up, but they sure are a cute handful! They say the funniest things! Like today, I was washing my hands and Katie said in a worried voice, Mom, hurry, we're wasting water! I have no idea where she really got that from. Then yesterday, I was moving from the garbage can to the counter and Hailey walked up behind me and I sort of tripped on her and my elbow hit her in the forehead (not hard). I said something about her watching where she's going and she looked at me and said "Yeah, Mom, you should look behind you before you move" It was pretty funny! I also think I heard her say to Randy "You broke my heart." I think Randy had told her to sit down and eat her food, or something like that that made her a little upset. I love them so much! I can't imagine what life would be like without them.

So Mother's Day is coming up, and a friend of mine gave me a really good idea for a gift for my mom. I'm very excited to try to put this together, homemade and thoughtful gifts are the best kind of gift!! I hope she'll know how much I love and appreciate her. She has always been a great mom and I've learned so much from her. I hope that I'll be able to show my kids the same love she showed to me.

We had our family pictures taken by a friend of mine about a week ago, and she did such a good job! I am way excited to get them back! I'll be able to put some on here soon! I'm very excited to see all of them! There were a lot that were taken, I think there were over 4 or 5 hundred. Well, not much is going on here, we're all good and happy!