One of those days

Why is it that it seems like things are going well and fine, then all of a sudden you have one of those days! One where you want to just stay in bed and hide under the covers, where you wake up depressed for no reason. Well, that was today, for some reason I woke up down and have not been able to shake it off. It's very frustrating because I end up being very hard on myself and very negative about life in general. It's no picnic to be around me I'm sure, so it's also a hard day for my husband and kids. I have felt so useless and worthless and very lonely which is pretty pathetic when I'm constantly surrounded by my kids. I get so tired of feeling this way, and while I don't have very many of these days when I'm in the middle of one it seems like I have them all the time. It makes is so hard to want to do anything at all, house cleaning, showering, cooking, anything. I honestly just wanted to lie in bed all day long! Unfortunately you don't get any days off from the wonderful job known as mom. I'm sorry this blog is so negative, but I just need to get some of these feelings and thoughts out of my head and since I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to this is the only real outlet I have; and since it's my blog I can write about whatever I want. I just hope you don't all thing I'm this crazy psychopath who is always depressed because I'm really not. I don't have many of these days, just every once in a while. I know I'm blessed, I can look around me at any given moment in any given day and count numberless blessings. So why is it so hard to see all of them when your personal day is cloudy? Oh well, there will be more days and better ones than today, but if anyone has any ideas as to how to knock myself out of this ridiculous self pity party, please in a kind way let me know. I just hope I'm not the only one that has days like these.

Random Pictures

So I haven't posted very many pictures recently due to me being a little lazy and not transferring pictures from our camera to the computer. So I decided to pick out a few pictures to share will all my devoted readers! So I hope you at least get a smile from these, I know I do!

So, Enjoy!

I love this hair style, it worked best with Hailey though
Me and Zoe, I think I look a little funny, but Zoe looks so flippin cute, I couldn't resist!

Oh, they like each other! Hailey dressed herself, just so you know (except the hat, that was added on by LeeAnn)

Don't ask me, she just started doing all sorts of funny poses. It was funny though!

Another one, different day

Katie's peace, LeeAnn took this picture, she was really proud of it

They absolutely LOVE horsey rides

For some reason it's not quite working

I don't think I'm as good as Daddy!

I had to get her hair wet to get peanut butter and jelly out and thought it would be fun to spike it all over the place! I love her grin!!

Time

I don't honestly know why I picked that title, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. So sometimes I have these moments where I get so scared when I think about the world and my kids growing up. We had an incident that involved Hailey in Elk Ridge that wasn't serious but could have been a bad situation. I was thinking about that and feeling like I let her down, and then I thought about kids being abducted and how you properly prepare your kids for that. Needless to say I laid there in bed and wanted to lock myself in my house and never let my kids go outside again! Finally I prayed so that I would fall asleep, but these fears constantly pop into my head, and it makes me wonder a lot of things. Do I not have enough faith in God? Do I not really believe that He is in everything, and everything that happens was meant to be? I hate when I have those moments, I wish I could believe that if I'm faithful enough nothing like that would ever happen to my kids. I could handle sickness and death, but I don't think I could handle the unknown of abduction. It would drive me crazy!! Anyway, not much for a fun post, so I guess I should turn that around.

Last night I was making cookies for my friends birthday, the girls love to watch me bake (especially when I use the mixer because that means it's something sweet) so they were both on the counter overlooking the bowl. I had just finished mixing and was getting a spatula to scrape around the sides when Katie turned the blender up all the way. All of a sudden there's cookie dough flying everywhere and a loud noise. It took me a couple of seconds to realize what was going on. I had cookie dough up and down my shirt and Katie had a little bit in her hair and on her shirt. It was so funny, I think it scared Katie pretty bad, because I kind of yelled at her because it scared me too. It was funny!!

Then today, I decided to let Hailey do the dishes, for some reason she really likes to. Most the time I tell her no, but I decided if she wants to do them that bad, I'll just help her do them. So I filled the sink with water, cleared the counter off, put an apron on her and let her go at it. We'll see how she does, but if she does a good job and she likes it, this could turn out to be a very good thing!! Here she is in my apron, doesn't she look so cute? My little helper!

Urology Visit

So today was Katie's appointment at the Primary Children's Urology unit. It went really well, the doctor was very nice and explained things to us really well although I'm not very good at relaying what she told us. It made sense when she explained it and I think I understand it, but to share that isn't very easy, especially without pictures. So I won't really try to, but for now we are going to be giving her a daily dose of antibiotics to keep her from getting any more kidney infections which can damage her kidneys which, as you can guess, is a bad thing. Then in a year she'll need to be tested again and see how things are going. If it's healing, or looking better we'll probably wait another year and then get checked out again and see how she's doing. They say sometimes the body heals itself and other times they need to have surgery but it can take anywhere from 1 to 3 years to heal itself. The surgery is she needs it, doesn't sound like it's that big of a deal and it's a same day surgery. We actually had the option to do that now, but for obvious reasons we want to hold off on surgery as long as possible and perhaps not even need it. But her kidneys look good, so that's a plus. Katie's case isn't a severe one, on a scale from 1-5, 5 being the worst Katie was between a 2 and 3 so that's really good, a 1 means you don't have reflux into the kidney, which we obviously knew she did. So we play a waiting game now and for the next one to three years we'll re-evaluate her situation every year. She was pretty cute at the doctors today, and I realized how much she is changing. It's amazing how you look at your kids every day but you have these moments where you look at them and feel like you're seeing them for the first time in a really long time. It's always such an odd feeling when this happens. It's kind of scary. I guess just because you realize how fast they change and grow up and you feel like you miss so much.

So I have some really cute pictures to post, but I can't right now because our camera battery is dead and I haven't found the charger yet, I think it's upstairs in our room but haven't had a chance to look today so I am going to have to take a look. If I find it perhaps I'll write another post later today with pictures. We have some pretty cute ones!! Until then, adios!

Should be cleaning

Do you ever have one of those days, where you know you should be doing one thing and yet you do another? Today is one of those days, I can't tell you how much I don't want to be cleaning right now and thus the reason for me sitting here typing this post. I feel so thankful today for all the wonderful people in my life, I wish I was a better friend to all of you! Truth be told, I'm not very good at being a friend, I'm a little shy and unsure of myself which makes it hard for me to call people and be like "Hey, what's up? How are you?" and so to all of you, sorry. I would really like to be a better friend however, and really let go of all my inhibitions (I really hope that was the right word) this year. I'll sit at church by myself in Relief Society wishing that someone would come and sit by me and start talking to me, but it never happens. It's occured to me however, that I need to be the one to make the move, perhaps there's someone else like me sitting there wishing that someone would come and sit by them, perhaps I'm meant to be that person. However, it's easier said than done, I am not very good at talking to people I don't know. I wish I were, but unfortunately I still worry too much about what they think of me, why as humans are we so obsessed with what people think about us? Why does it matter? They don't really know us, if they don't like us, then so what? There's a lot of other people out there to meet, and I'm sure unless you're a complete grouch then someone is going to like you. Yet, we are all (most of us anyway) worried about what other people think, and so it's almost like we live for someone else, not ourselves. What does one have to do (me in particular) to totally be themselves and not worry for a second what other people think of us? I wish so badly that I could answer that question! That would be such freedom!! Wow, I sure have rambled on and on, but I guess the main point I want to get across with this post, is that I absolutely LOVE all the amazing friends that I have! You are all the best. LeeAnn, thanks for all the time you spend with me, I absolutely love talking to you and being there for you. Holly and Annie, to the best two highschool buddies one could ever ask for, thanks for getting me through those years. Heather, thanks so much to you and your family for your love and friendship, you guys mean so much to us, we really miss you! McKenna, thanks so much for your advice and teaching me valuable lessons through your trials. You truly are a gift to all those who know you, hang in there! Jenna, thanks so much for your friendship, you and Seth are awesome and I don't think you realize how much we look up to you. You are an amazing person and friend, and it means a lot to me to be able to call you my friend. To anyone I've forgotten, just know that you are amazing people, to my family and my husbands family (who I consider my own family) I love you all so much and am forever grateful for the blessings I have received by being in your circle! I just love so many people right now that it would be impossible to give a shout out to everyone. Last but not least, my wonderful husband, he is such an amazing person, who loves and supports me no matter what. Even when I make mistakes, he is quick to forgive and love me despite my flaws. Hope this wasn't a bore, it's really long, and if you made it all the way to the end, then you really must love me. Thanks so much to everyone who has touched my life!!

Christmas...finally!

Ok, so here are the promised pictures from Christmas, I was finally able to get them on the computer. So I guess I should also write about our day as well. We started off by waking up the girls and letting them open their presents, yes, we did wake up our kids. It was crazy we were up until three finishing my little brothers present and then I woke up at 6:30 and made Randy get up and then we woke up the girls and brought them downstairs. They all had fun unwrapping their gifts and it was really wierd to have Hailey read the names on the presents and say who they were to, crazy how they grow up! Then we headed out to Randy's moms house where we ate crepes for breakfast and unwrapped presents there, which my sister-in-law Sam and her husband did the coolest thing ever!! Sam wrote a little story which starred our girls, then they had a HUGE box that they stuffed full of packing peanuts, wrapping paper, bubble sheets, small candy canes, and then 8 bigger candy canes and the objective was to find these 8 candy canes. The girls absolutely LOVED it!! They had such a blast swimming (literally) through everything! Then we headed over to my familys house where we had breakfast casserole for lunch and opened gifts there. After spending some time there we went to my grandma's house and visited them for a little while. Then we came home and enjoyed a nice big pancake, eggs, and sausage breakfast (that's right, we had breakfast three times that day). It was a lot of fun and we really enjoyed ourselves. And now, the reason for this post being so late, some of the pictures from that day

I hope that everyone had as wonderful of a Christmas as we did!

Medical Month

It's been a while since I've posted anything, partly because I've been trying to wait until I get pictures on to our computer so I can post pictures of Christmas. I have decided however to write a blog because I have much to say to relieve my mind of all the thoughts running through it, I will however still be posting a Christmas post with pictures from the day (it's pretty sad it's taken me this long).

So, anyone who reads my blog knows whats going on with Katie, I called Primary Children's urology unit to schedule an appointment but they needed her to have an ultrasound first and also needed my doctor to make a referral there for her. So we scheduled her ultrasound, which she did really good with (I wasn't with her, Randy took her and I stayed home with the other two). The lady who does all the referrals for the clinic we go to called me yesterday and told me I could probably call at the first of next week to schedule an appointment for her. Then there's me. About a month or so ago, I discovered a small lump in my right breast, I haven't really worried about it at all, but Randy kept telling me I needed to get it checked out, then I told my mom and she said I needed to get it checked out. Then I made the mistake of talking to my sister-in-law about it (for those of you that know LeeAnn you know why she's so awesome) and I received a daily phone call from her asking me if I made the appointment. So I finally did and my doctor doesn't really think it's anything but he told me he "doesn't mess with breasts" so he sent me to a surgeon at Mountain View Hospital. But before I see him on the 20th of this month I have to have a mammogram and an ultrasound which will happen on Wednesday. Can I just tell you, I can't wait until all this medical stuff is DONE!! I'm so tired of calling and making appointments for stuff. Oh well, I guess it's better to take care of things now.

Other than all that stuff we are doing well, I've been doing a lot of deep thinking lately (don't die of shock now, I do actually use my brain) and soul searching so to speak. I've decided there are a lot of things I need to change about myself this year, I'm sure I'm being harder on myself than anyone else would be, but that's what's great about it, I can do that. I have no idea if that sentence made sense. Anyway, I've been a little down on myself though, and I hate being that way, so if any of you have any ideas on how to be hard on yourself (so you can make necessary changes) without being down on yourself, please share them with me. Well, I guess I should go get some house work done now. Look for the Christmas post soon, I promise it's coming!