Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Skinny People

Ever notice how when you buy a new car suddenly you notice that everyone drives that car? That's how I feel right now with skinny people. I am struggling BIG time with losing weight, I've been dieting since January 10th, and I keep having set backs where I stop dieting for about a week or so and then I get back to it. Therefore, I have been stuck in the 160's since March. I'm very VERY tired of being overweight, but especially of being stuck around 166. I feel like all the people around me are super skinny, and it makes me feel like a fat blob. Why is it SO hard to eat healthy, not just eat healthy but actually diet?? I want to lose weight so bad, the desire is there but apparently no drive cause I'm not going anywhere. I looked over a couple of the different diets that I've done, and I got really motivated, and I think I may have figured out where my mistakes have been that's been keeping me stuck. Then, not even two hours later, I'm feeling depressed and hopeless again. Is it too much to ask of myself to change a few things?? Why am I so scared to change even when I don't like how things currently are? I know what changes would help me feel better about myself and yet they're the things I'm most scared to give up. Why am I holding on to things that are so hurtful to me? I know that through Christ ALL things are possible so why am I not willing to make that leap? Why don't I have the faith to say, "Ok Father, I'm ready to really give this a go, will you help me?" I feel like I've prayed for help with these issues before, but I don't think I really had any intention to change. I'm scared and I don't know why, I know that these changes would make me a happier and better person, wouldn't you think I'd be jumping at the chance?? I want to change, but I'm not sure at all how to actually go about it, and I'm scared. So.... that's where I am.

On a more positive note, JD turned one on Sunday, I can't believe it's already been a year! Oh how I love my little man, sometimes I just watch him play and try to figure things out and it never fails to amaze me that he is a little person with his own little thoughts. I watched some of the videos we took of him in his first moments of life and it never ceases to amaze me. The miracle of birth is astounding to me! All of us are created inside someone else, it's unbelievable! How can anyone doubt that there's a higher being who is over everything. Anyway, enough of that, we had a lot of time partying with family. JD mostly got clothes which is great because kids always need clothes, he also got a singing card from his great-grandma Grimes, and I think it might have won the favorite gift award. He would open it and shake his head with a grin on his face. He played with that for probably 5 to ten minutes (which is a long time for a one year old) it was so fun to watch him "dance". He is still small for his age, but he's staying on his own curve, so I'm not worried about him, his oldest sister is still small. He weighed in at 16 pounds 1 ounce yesterday at his WIC appointment, that's up almost a pound I think since the last time he went in which was in March, so I'd say he's doing pretty darn good!

In other news, Hailey's school has been doing a program called "Reading on Down the Road" where they challenged students her age to read 1000 minutes by April 30th and they'll get a t-shirt, and I am happy to say she is going to make that goal! I am so proud of her, I never did these sort of things while I was in school and I always regretted it, and I am so glad that I've been able to help her accomplish this. I've been reading Harry Potter to them every night just before they go to bed and it's been a lot of fun for me, plus, it helps them go to sleep better (Zoe is usually asleep within the first five minutes or so of me ready).

Katie is just about done with Preschool, and I can't wait to be done paying for it! She is really excited to go to school with Hailey next year! She has such an amazing memory, I am constantly blown away by how well she remembers stuff. She still can be quite challenging sometimes because she is so stubborn, maybe that memory thing isn't so great after all. Just kidding, I'm very excited, a good memory will really help her out in life (I wish I had that).

Since I've given an update on all the others, I can't forget Zoe. What can I say about my little Zoe, I am so grateful that she is in our home, that little stinker is awesome! I love her so much, it's amazing to me how much families all fit together! Zoe will be so happy to go to school, she already talks about "her school" I don't have a clue where she comes up with all the stuff she does in "her school" cause I don't do any of it. I really should take time out and come up with a "school" she can go to. She is excited to be a big kid like her sisters, and I need to let her be a big kid. I know I baby her, and I'm not sure why, I guess when there's older kids in the house 3 doesn't seem as old as it does when your first child is 3. I have no idea if that made sense or not, oh well, if it didn't just read it a few times and think about it, it might eventually make sense.

Well that's that, I'm really hoping to start writing regularly here, so that I have a journal of some sorts, it would be good to write down experiences somewhere and I'm not sure why, but it just seems easier to blog than to write in a journal. Although, both would probably be good. Anyway, until next time!!

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