So, it's been a really long time since I've written anything, so I decided to write down some of my feelings. Things have been rough lately, I've been having a really hard time with life right now. I honestly hope I'm not depressed but I am worried that I am. I have not been finding joy in life at all right now, I don't even find joy in my children which is really sad because they deserve a mom who will enjoy them. I don't feel like a good mom, and I definately haven't felt worthy of the sweet spirits that are my children. I have such a hard time confiding in anyone, then when I finally decide to open up to someone, I'm told something that makes me feel like I shouldn't have. Why is it that when I finally decide to go out on a limb and open up, I feel like someone says "What do you think you're doing? Get back in that tree and hide yourself!!" Why is it that people have such a hard time telling people how they really feel? How many times does someone ask how you're doing and you respond, I'm fine and inside you're really saying, I'm hurting and I'm scared and lonely. I hope I'm not the only one who does this. Actually what I think I'm afraid of is that people will assume that that's how I'm always doing whenever they ask me. I have no idea if that makes any sense at all. Oh well. But things are starting to feel a little better, I was able to talk to someone who wasn't judgemental at all and didn't shove back in my face all the problems that they're going through. Sort of like a "who's going through the tougher trials" game. Now before anyone wants to rip my head off, I know I am blessed, I have been given so much, but when I'm down, that doesn't mean that my feelings aren't real, or that I shouldn't feel that way. And all I really want someone to say is "Man, that is tough, hang in there, I know it doesn't seem like it but things get better." Then maybe they could share an example of a time that maybe they went through a similar trial. I don't know, I just know I don't like to feel like I'm reaching out for help and they say, "You think that's bad, listen to what I'm going through!" NOt exactly in those words but you know what I'm saying. I also don't mind being there for someone else when they need someone to talk to and tell them that everything's going to be alright, I just want the favor returned once in a while you know?
Anyway, sorry about that, I've just been bottling that up for so long, it's nice to get it out. Now on a happier note, we had a very nice fourth of July, except the ticket Randy got for using an illegal firework, that sort of put a damper on things. Oh well, things like that are bound to happen when you make a stupid decision. I take part of the blame as well, because I was one of the people telling him to light it. I'll have to let you know what the damage is when we find out, hopefully the beginning of next week. Other than that, we had a great fourth of July weekend!! We also had a lot of fun rearranging our girls rooms about a week ago, now Hailey is in a regular bed, Katie is in the toddler bed and Zoe is now in a crib. Which she seems to like, most the time. She has been so fussy lately and it's very hard to deal with. I think she's teething, and I'm actually hoping that's what it is, so that hopefully she'll settle down soon. Well, I hope I didn't make anyone extremely upset by this post, and if I did, please know that I didn't offend on purpose. I just really needed to vent.
The cutest though, was that Zoe fell asleep while I was holding her.
Then I gave her to Randy so I could take the other two to the bathroom. Randy went to the van to start it and get it cooling down. When we got to the van, this is how we found them.
It was a lot of fun, I was so glad we went. Oh, I forgot, my other favorite part was the white alligator, that was pretty cool!!
Then after I took this into our room to clean, I found another toy covered in Desitin. The next thing she did was take the strawberry syrup lid off and was eating it, she had strawberry syrup all down her shirt and some on the floor. Then she spilled water all over the highchair tray. I was so ready for bed time that night. Oh yes, I forgot the last thing I found out she did. I found the teething tablets and we used to have three quarters of them left, and now we only have a quarter left. When I asked Hailey if she ate them she said, "No, Katie did." So I asked Katie if she ate them and she said she did. At least she was honest about it. I was so tired and frustrated. Oh well, I guess that's what you get with a two year old. I just don't remember this phase, I'm sure that Hailey when through the same phase, I just don't remember. I guess it balances itself out, because one minute you're ready to put them in a room for the rest of their lives and the next they melt your heart. I guess that's kids for you!
