Not too sure

So I have been debating writing this post or not, but have finally decided to do it. I hope that you can all view me as a human being who makes mistakes and can love me in spite of that fact. Lately I have been feeling very lonely, it's hard to explain why, but basically I feel like I don't have anyone close to me who is in the same stage of life as me. Most particularly in the baby department, all my friends seem to have these hard pregnancies and I don't. Or, if they have easy pregnancies they have hard labors. Or they don't want as many kids as I do and I feel like they are saying I'm crazy for wanting as many as I do (which lately is now up in the air). I know it seems so ridiculous and I guess I'm searching for validation in who I am and what I want from life, and unfortunately I haven't learned how to gain this on my own but I'm working on it. Anway for about a month or so I have been going through this, and have been talking to a few people about it and I think I've come to some realizations that aren't easy to come to or admit to. This is where I hope that all of you will love me flaws and all. The question I asked myself was why am I surrounded by all these women who have hard pregnancies, and I think I realized that I am meant to learn from them. I read a post that my friend Jenna wrote that touched me very deeply and made me appreciate her so much. You see I think sometimes I take my kids for granted, I know I'm blessed to have them and I love them very much, but I think sometimes subconciously I think of them as merely something I have to do. Please don't take this to mean that I don't love my children because I do. I have been a lot better with this since I have been on depression medication but before I was on that, there were days where I didn't even think I wanted them and they were just one more thing I had to take care of. Like I said I am much better now. Anyway, I read my friends blog and I think for the first time in a long time I realized how truly blessed I am, and in a way I am envious of Jenna (please don't take that wrong). I'll bet that when she looks at or holds her little baby, she knows what a miracle he is. It wasn't easy for her to get him here and then when he did get here it was shaky for a couple of days. I love this woman so much for letting me learn from her experiences. I know she would never wish upon me what she goes through to get her children here, and I wouldn't want to go through it either, but I am so blessed that I can learn from her. Jenna, you are an amazing person, thank you so much for being an example to me and for sharing your experience with me. You truly are someone I look up to.

Next I have my friend McKenna, who would love nothing more than to have a child of her own. The world seems so unfair sometimes, why some women get pregnant so easily yet doesn't seem to want them and women who can't and desperately want one. McKenna, you are one of the strongest women I know, your example to me is simply indescribable. I know you don't think you have much to give to people or the world sometimes but I assure you, you have much to give. You are a beautiful person inside and out and one day you are going to be an amazing mother to a very lucky and special child. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me, I can't thank you enough for your example to me.

I truly am grateful for my daughters, they teach me constantly of love, and I get a small glimpse of the love that Heavenly Father has for each one of us as his children. Yesterday Hailey had a Valentine's Day party at school and was given a heart shaped slinky (you know the plastic kind that break easily). Her and Katie were playing with it and it got completely bent out of shape and no longer worked. Hailey was so upset she was crying, I tried to explain that we could cut some of it off and just make it a smaller slinky. I was having a hard time because she wouldn't stop crying and I kept wanting to tell her it wasn't a big deal but I knew it was to her. I was upstairs and could hear her crying downstairs so I finally came down to talk with her. She was sitting on the floor holding her slinky with a pair of scissors, trying to cut off the broken pieces and just crying. I came down and helped cut off the ends and then I held her and let her cry. I was on the phone with Randy and he was totally ready to go find another one, but he didn't. After the kids were in bed we began talking and Randy was saying how he would have done anything to make it better, he seriously would have gone and found one and brought it home for her. Then he said that he knew he shouldn't because this is something that Hailey needs to deal with and learn from. It made us both think of Heavenly Father and how I'm sure that when things happen to us He knows that on an Eternal perspective it may not matter, but to us it does. I'm sure it breaks his heart to watch us go through our trials and wants to fix it for us and make it better. However, He knows that they are there to teach us lessons. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who allows me to struggle and learn the lessons I need to learn to live with him again. I am grateful for wonderful examples in my life and for the love that is extended to me. To Jenna and McKenna, I love you both so much, you are both constantly in my prayers. Thank you so much for teaching me things I need to learn. You are both amazing women and I am so blessed to have you in my life!!