Zoe's Prayer

I have never seen something so cute, last night we had scriptures and afterward I said "Ok Zoe, let's say a prayer." So she folded her arms and bowed her head and started gibbering, then after a little bit she said amen, it was so cute! So then I helped her say one just like I do with the other two. She would listen then gibber when I was done, then she said amen after me. It was the cutest thing ever! Then this morning Randy wanted to hear her (he was at work last night) so I asked Zoe if she'd say the prayer so she did. I can't believe how cute it is, I love to watch her mouth when she "talks" it's so cute. I can't believe how big she is getting, it's amazing how they grow. This stage is the cutest but most frustrating, cute because they are learning and trying so many new things, but frustrating because they are in to EVERYTHING!! I guess the good out weighs the bad. I love my little Zoe so much, I can't imagine life without her, I'm glad that Heavenly Father knows what he's doing!! I'm going to try to video Zoe saying a prayer, if I do, I promise I'll share!

Death, faith, and other ramblings

So my grandma's husband died on Sunday and they are flying his body back to California tomorrow for the funeral and burial. So Walkers let my grandma have family come for a while today and see his body. I didn't really know him very well (this was my grandma's second husband) but I went to support my grandma. There was a small group there, and we just stood around visiting and stuff. Then we all moved outside because we were going to be done, but my brother was coming over from Springville (we were at Walkers in Spanish Fork) so we waited. When he got there we went in to see him again, there was just me, my mom, my brother, and my grandma. I got really emotional standing there in this little group watching her touch his hair, his face, moving his fingers, and other stuff. It was such an odd experience to stand there and look at him, it just seemed so unreal. He looked asleep and it was almost as if I expected him to get up and walk around. My emotions weren't so much because of losing him (again, I didn't know him very well) but it just struck me hard as I watched my grandma touching him that one day that's going to be me. I'm going to be smoothing my sweethearts hair down, and touching his face and hands in an attempt to say goodbye. It will also happen as I bury my parents, brothers, sisters, or who ever preceeds me in death. It was such an odd moment, then it brought back memories of seeing my father-in-law lying in his coffin with all his temple clothes on and it was almost more then I could handle. Death is such a funny thing, it's a double edged sword in certain circumstances. When they suffer in this life preceeding death it is always such a blessing to see them go, but you're sad because you're going to miss them. It makes me appreciate this gospel sooo much, I can't imagine how people handle death without it.

This is such a random blog and my thoughts seem so jumbled up, I hope it makes sense. Things are going all right, I'm still looking for a job, hopefully I'll find one soon if that's what is supposed to happen. In one way I hope I don't find one, because I can't imagine doing one more thing on top of all my other responsibilities. Other the other hand, however, I'm excited for the little break it would give me from the house and all the things I deal with here. We'll just have to see how it goes. You know, if you really think about it, life truly is such a faith building experience, it's not always easy, but we really do learn to trust that Heavenly Father is in control of everything we go through. He loves us, and he is SO aware of all the things we go through. He is so willing to help us, all we have to do is ask. It's not always easy, and sometimes pride gets in the way and makes us fall backward, but all He asks for is ONE step forward and he'll help us make more. I am so grateful for this knowledge in my life, I love this gospel so much, I'm so thankful for the path it's helped me stay on and the decisions I've made in my life because of it. It's a wonderful thing!!

Not much sense

Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you can't explain how you're feeling, and the feelings you can explain are stupid and you don't understand why you feel them? If you understood any of what I just said, you're pretty good. Sometimes I get in these really weird moods, and I can't quite explain why they come. There are times in my life where I feel like I need approval, approval from whom you might ask. That's the lame part, because I can't really tell you. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in high school and I just want the "cool" kids to like me, and it still affects me today. High school has been over for eight years now, don't you think I could move on? Sometimes I meet someone who other people view as cool and I get nervous, and unsure of myself and I almost become obsessed with them, wondering if they would like me. It kind of becomes insanely important to me and I'll sit there and think (sorry for the language) what the hell? Why do I care?? I am so sick of seeking the approval of someone not really there, it doesn't matter what everyone thinks of me, so why, why can't I move on? I am so tired of living in this Hell of caring so much about what others think of me. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good thing to be conscientious of yourself, but this is ridiculous. It makes me so mad, and sad, and frustrated, but I just don't know how to move on. I feel like I'm going insane, that there's something wrong with me. Why can't I feel happy with just having my own approval? Why can't I say to hell with everyone else, this is who I am, if you don't like it, leave me alone!! Is there anyone else who has ever felt this way? If there is, please let me know how it is you got past it, or how you deal with it, whatever is applicable. I'm sorry this is kind of a downer blog, I just really need to express my feelings, I really needed to talk to a friend, and seeing as I don't really have one to talk to right now I decided to write my feelings down instead. Maybe that will help me for a while, well, let's face it, even if I do get to talk to someone later it won't help. I have a very small window of opportunity to talk to someone before I push my feelings down deep and don't share them with people. Apparently it's really hard for me to fully open up to people, not really sure why, maybe I fear rejection too much. I really don't know. It's one of those mysteries in life that sometimes we solve and others times they remain a steady unknown.
There's one other thing going on with me right now that affects me every once in a while. Anyone who really knows me knows that I love to sing, I have always dreamed of singing in front of people. There are certain songs that I hear that just give me a magical feeling, that really touches me. It's at those times that I have a strong, fierce burning desire to be able to sing in a way that will make someone else feel that way. Then reality hits and I realize I don't have what it takes, I sing mediocre, I'm not terrible, but I definitely don't measure up to a lot of other people. So I get down, feeling like I could never be good enough, then I feel like I'm too old, I've missed my opportunity. I have kids, responsibilities that say it's over. Do I just give up that dream? Do I need to be content just singing to myself and kids? How do I do that? How do you let go of a dream that you've had since you can remember? I'm sure I'll be fine in a few hours, or tomorrow, I just really needed to get this out. Thanks so much for reading, I wish I had something cheerful to throw in here. I guess I could say we went to UP today, and it was a way cute movie, I loved it!! Hopefully that can lift your spirits UP! He He, ok, that was lame, anyway, thanks again for reading, any ideas or suggestions would be awesome!

Crazy Couple of Days

So Tuesday night Katie woke up with a fever and all day Wednesday she had one and a headache as well. Then before going to bed Wednesday night her fever finally broke. Then at midnight she woke up screaming. We're kind of used to this with Katie, every once in a while she'll wake up screaming, we have to go in and calm her down and either she'll lay down with us for a while or she'll go back to sleep in her own bed. Well Wednesday night was different, she kept screaming, even while we were holding her that there were spiders. She was really hot and her fever was around 102 degrees. She would scream and say they were on her legs, or hands or that they were on us. We called our home teacher at around 12:30 am and asked him to come help give her a blessing, we didn't know what else to do. We finally were able to calm her down, but she had to lay down on top of me and any time I moved my hands I had to calm her down and let her know it was just me. Finally we went back up to our bed about 2:00 in the morning and we were able to finally fall back to sleep. Later in the night Randy put her back in her bed, and she woke up screaming again. She then spent the rest of the night in our bed. So we took her to the doctor on Thursday and he said it looked like she had the beginning of an ear infection. We asked him about the previous night if he thought perhaps she was hallucinating, he said it could have been induced by the fever. Thankfully last night she slept well, except she woke up to throw up. What a crazy couple of nights. Hopefully we're on our way to full recovery, she had an ear infection at the beginning of this month too. I sure hope we're done for a while after this one. Other than that not much is going on with us, I'm still looking for a job, hopefully I'll be able to find one soon, also, we are trying to find a good home for our pet guinea pig Rosie. I am allergic to hay and at times when I hold her it makes my arms and neck red and itchy. So, it's very hard to want to hold her or give her any hay which is really good for them. So if anyone wants a pet guinea pig, she is a very pretty animal (at least I think so). She's very fun to hold, and will for the most part just sit there. Now that I've put that little plug in there, I suppose I'm done with this post. Thanks for reading!!

Hailey's Preschool Graduation

So on Thursday Hailey had her Preschool graduation, she did so good, for the most part. On some of the songs, she got distracted by a scab on her nose and stood there picking at it rather than singing. She is such a cute girl, I can't believe that she is going to go to Kindergarten next year, it's just crazy to think of my little girl growing up.

Just chillin waiting for the program to start.

Before we left, I love her little pose, the only downfall to this picture is that her skirt is pulled up a little in the front.

Again, just waiting.

This is the school loves me song, we recorded all the songs that they sang, but this one is my favorite one. Hailey loves to sing, I love to listen to her, I love my little Hailey!!

Life...

I know, I know, it's been awhile again since I've written anything. It's kind of sad, oh well, at least I am now. Things here are ok, it's tight, but hopefully things at RC Willey will pick up soon. I'm starting to look for a part time job, I'm excited but nervous. I think it will be a lot of fun to get out and be around people in a professional setting. I'm looking for morning part time because Randy is home in the mornings so we hopefully wouldn't need a babysitter. I think if I could work for about a year it would really help us get out of debt. What an awesome feeling that would be!! Well, not much else is going on, just life. The kids continue to change sooo much!! Zoe is starting to say more words, so far these are some of the words she is saying: Mom, Dad, Hailey, Katie, Zoe, eye, I, love, you, bye, hi, amen, oh boy, oh man, I think that's about all. But she also gibbers, so if you ask her a question she starts gibbering like she's answering you. It's very cute!! Katie has been a little more difficult to deal with lately. Since Tuesday she has had at the very least two accidents a day and on Saturday I finally put her in pull ups because I can't handle any more pee on the carpets. I don't know if it's just a little phase she's going through, or if it's the start of another infection. I haven't been giving her her antibiotics because I haven't called to get her prescription refilled. She hasn't had a fever, or any other symptoms, so I guess we'll see. She has also learned how to push Zoe's buttons, and boy does she ever push them!! There are times where I wish I could put Katie in a cage, but then she can also be the cutest little thing ever!! Her facial expressions crack me up, sometimes she's not really saying anything funny, but it's just the way she says it and the facial expressions she makes. It cracks me up! I love all my kids so much, I just wish I didn't get so impatient with them. It's definitely something that I need to work on, it's just not always easy. I need to work on myself quite a bit, but hopefully I'm not alone. Well, now that I've dragged on and on, I'll finish this post, so until next time....bye!

Randomness

So again it's been quite a while since I've written. Mother's Day was a lot of fun, I got to sleep in and I got breakfast in bed. We were way tired, and woke up late so we missed church, except I went to Relief Society so I could do my calling. That evening we went to my parents house and had hamburgers and other good food and just hung out and visited. It was a lot of fun. I have some pictures that I will post at a later time. I gave my mom a little book that I made, it was so awesome to actually make her something that had a lot of meaning behind it. I love my mom so much!

Lately I have been feeling like I' m in a rut. I don't really know how to motivate myself to do better, but I need to find a way. I don't really feel like I'm working toward something, I feel as if I am simply living through everyday. I want to feel like I have a purpose to my life. Things are going well, it's a little tight because there's not a lot going on at RC Willey. Hopefully Memorial Day will be a big day like it was last year, or even better than last year would be nice. Randy did kind of pick up a second job though, our land lord is going to pay him to do some of the yard work that needs to be done around here (and it's a lot) so that will help out. We really are doing all right though, and I finally feel like I'm getting back on track with my house work. I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting there. Well, I'm doing good, I need to kick myself in the butt and do better though. I want everyone to know I appreciate all they do for our family and for me. I don't know that I tell people thank you enough, but I want to start now. So, if you know me, know that you are loved and appreciated for all you do!! Oh, before I go I need to share something that Katie said. We were driving Hailey to school the other day and Hailey was talking about Gina's bird Zeus, you see he died and my sister buried him at my parents house in their back yard. On Sunday they went out with her (Gina) and put something on his grave and Hailey was talking about that in the car. Then Katie said, "Jesus needed a bird, huh Hailey" it was so cute! That was what we told them when Zeus died, was that Jesus needed Zeus in Heaven but that He would take good care of him. It was so cute to hear Katie say that though. I love my little girls! Well, until next time!